drat fink

come fly with me

im off in the am. first to old san juan for a night. then either a short plane or ferry ride to vieques for a few days with my friends and their two girls. after that its unclear what we'll do. ill probably spend time at their house in naguabo. i dont really like to plan these things. in fact, i dont even really like to go. shopping for the trip was brutal enough.

anyway, off to bed. i am looking forward to the disconnect from the newstunnel. i hope to forget i even know what an 'atrios' is. bill, im leaving you in charge. make sure tom doesnt hurt anybody while im gone. and see if you can option any of those screenplays ive been knocking around. i know theres gold in there, i just know there is. (glint of light glances of toothy grin.)

hamstrung out

to pod or not to pod?

jerked chicken

"I now fully grasped that Laqueur was on to something both weird and important. How could I not have anticipated it? Had I not read Portnoy's Complaint or watched Seinfeld? During the last administration, the surgeon general, Jocelyn Elders, was fired, or so it was claimed, for her apparent endorsement of the public health values of masturbation. At a Miami news conference, President Bill Clinton said that her views on the subject reflected "differences with administration policy and my own convictions." Masturbation is virtually unique, in the array of more or less universal human behaviors, in arousing a peculiar and peculiarly intense current of anxiety."

roll with it

"Clunk enough people and we'll have a nation of lumpheads.

Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

That womans as cold as a nudist on an iceberg.

She reminds me of Paul Revere's ride - a little light in the belfry.

Gal reminds me of the highway between Ft. Worth and Dallas - no curves.

As bare as a cooch dancer's midriff.

Boy's like a dead horse - got no get up and go...

Hey boy, you cover about as much as a flapper's skirt in a high wind.

She's tryin' to make a pantywaist out of that poor kid.

That kid's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.

If kid don't stop talkin' so much he'll get his tongue sunburned.

Well, barbeque my hamhocks!

That dog's as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrrel of oat meal.

That boy's as strong as an ox, and just about as smart.

Look sister, is any of this filtering through that little blue bonnet of yours?

You're doing a lot of choppin', but no chips are flyin'.

The boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball.

I've got this boy as figgity as a bubble dancer with a slow leak.

Newest additions:

You look like two miles of bad road

That boy's just like a tattoo...gets under your skin

This is gonna cause more confusion than a mouse in a burlesque show!

I-I-I know what you're gonna say son. When two halves is gone there's nuthin' left - and you're right. It's a little ol' worm who wasn't there. Two nuthins is nuthin'. That's mathematics son. You can argue with me but you can't argue with figures. Two half nuthins is a whole nuthin'."

ruby to stay

my parents were married forty years ago today. someone should really wish them well. so, whos up for it? or there must be a holiday-specific animated gif which is uniquely impersonal that i could send. something with dancing bears and the rolling stones, i hope.

friendly reminder

yo mf, that counter terrorism dude is on 60 minutes tonight.

edgy material

"A kind of travel book for armchair circumambulators, written in a meandering, essayistic style, it chronicles the past, present and future of Manhattan along its edges. It's a lively, engaging hybrid, blending reportage, history, personal memoir and literary and architectural criticism.

The book ambles northward along the Hudson, from the Battery to Inwood, then takes in the East River, from lower Manhattan to Highbridge Park. Along the way, the author comments on buildings and open space, recalls movies and novels set on the waterfront, recounts political battles that shaped it, suggests civic improvements, unearths little-known bits of history and lore."

via gothamist

wash inc machine

wow. kevin drum didnt just get a blog at The Washington Monthly, he is The Washington Monthly.

report cord

The Iraq on the Record Report, prepared at the request of Rep. Henry A. Waxman, is a comprehensive examination of the statements made by the five Administration officials most responsible for providing public information and shaping public opinion on Iraq: President George W. Bush, Vice President Richard Cheney, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of State Colin Powell, and National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice.

jumping through hoops

the outspoken owner of the dallas mavericks, mark cuban, has started a weblog.

easter services

"All those mysteries have spawned volumes of speculation for almost three centuries. Many Europeans were incredulous that Polynesians, "mere savages," could have constructed the statues or the beautiful stone platforms. The Norwegian explorer Thor Heyerdahl's famous Kon-Tiki expedition and his other raft voyages aimed to prove the feasibility of transoceanic connections between Egypt's pyramids, the giant stone architecture of South America's Inca Empire, and Easter Island's statues. Going further, the Swiss writer Erich von Däniken claimed that the statues were the work of intelligent extraterrestrials who had ultramodern tools, became stranded on Easter, and were finally rescued. But the explanation that has now emerged attributes statue carving to the picks and other tools littering Rano Raraku rather than to hypothetical space implements, and to Easter's known Polynesian inhabitants rather than to Incas, Egyptians, or Martians. This story is as romantic and exciting as were postulated visits by Kon-Tiki rafts or extraterrestrials—and much more relevant to events now going on in the modern world."

its got therappeal

i was just wondering how long it will be before psychotherapy becomes fodder for a "reality tv" program. im guessing it will be called The Couch. im not sure of the premise. any ideas? are the participants the subjects to be studied or do they weigh others concerns? the same company will also produce a show for HBO called The Casting Couch a mockumentary-style show about a "reality tv" production company.

master crassmen

sixteen plus hours into the botched repair job by the smelliest man on the lower east side at about quarter past midnight i hear the landlord creaking across the floorboards. its finally done, he says, except it might leak a little, and if it did all i had to do was shut off the valve when i wasnt using the hot water. ya know, nothing inconvenient about that. (what am i paying again? he acts like he still gets $200 a month for an apartment.) upon hearing this i burst out laughing because thats exactly what i had been doing i week and a half ago when i could still take a shower. ok, a hot shower. call me spoiled. he failed to echo my amusement as i had failed to grade their efforts a resounding success. so im left with another ridiculously unsightly exposed pipe in my kitchen through a hacked out hole in the bathroom wall, and im congratulating them on a job, well....done. now as soon as the handymans facial swelling goes down im told the holes in the walls and the ceiling will be rectified. can holes be rectified, or can only the situation regarding the holes be, er, rectified? rectified...rectum...correlation? wheres that OED when you need it, and something for the swelling.

repeat what you so

i may be pioneering (not likely) a new form in the procrastinatory arts -- island hoping. first, overpay for a ticket because you procrastinated, and as the date moved closer, the price went up. then, find a suitable reason to delay the trip, and exchange the ticket for a nominal fee. push the date back far enough so that the new ticket is priced well below what you paid for the original. the airline then refunds the difference or puts the extra money in a voucher, aka the seeds for your next vacrastination. repeat as necessary. repeat as necessary. repeat as necessary.

me so soup

ho down

much to my present dismay, i will soon be leaving the continent, with hopes to return not long after.

the moneydrippers

"Critics have questioned how tasteful it is to peddle replicas of the nails used to affix Christ to the cross."

holy water

dfn -- all the noise, all the time

8 hours kibbitzing with the peckel and the farshtinkener has left me fartootster for sure. feh!

went to the minimall at timeswarner. got a guided tour of the bose sound systems from $1000 to $3000. i almost felt like i was in Boogie Nights when the friendly bald black salesdude told us how much he loved the new harry connick jr. cd. yeeah. and he was enthusiastic about a scene from Finding Nemo with which he baits potential customers. "youve got to see the whale scene," all the live long day. you smell worse than the farshtinkener farshtook.

bought four types of water and little else at the new whole foods. made eye contact with lou reed in the atrium with the candlestick. he did not offer to help me with my watered down bags but i could tell he wanted to ask me something. maybe, how goes the plumbing? but they fixed the buzzer, right? the ceiling?

ted knights tick
one staredown mastered at a time

dialed in for dolors
wretched out and clutched someone

a suppurated peace
im ceiling you, offensively

hut one hut two

will that be smoking or non?

bayh!: the! musical!

via wonkette we see that eternal democratic vp candidate fodder evan bayh has legally changed his name and will only respond to "bayh!" henceforth.