drat fink

master crassmen

sixteen plus hours into the botched repair job by the smelliest man on the lower east side at about quarter past midnight i hear the landlord creaking across the floorboards. its finally done, he says, except it might leak a little, and if it did all i had to do was shut off the valve when i wasnt using the hot water. ya know, nothing inconvenient about that. (what am i paying again? he acts like he still gets $200 a month for an apartment.) upon hearing this i burst out laughing because thats exactly what i had been doing i week and a half ago when i could still take a shower. ok, a hot shower. call me spoiled. he failed to echo my amusement as i had failed to grade their efforts a resounding success. so im left with another ridiculously unsightly exposed pipe in my kitchen through a hacked out hole in the bathroom wall, and im congratulating them on a job, well....done. now as soon as the handymans facial swelling goes down im told the holes in the walls and the ceiling will be rectified. can holes be rectified, or can only the situation regarding the holes be, er, rectified? rectified...rectum...correlation? wheres that OED when you need it, and something for the swelling.

repeat what you so

i may be pioneering (not likely) a new form in the procrastinatory arts -- island hoping. first, overpay for a ticket because you procrastinated, and as the date moved closer, the price went up. then, find a suitable reason to delay the trip, and exchange the ticket for a nominal fee. push the date back far enough so that the new ticket is priced well below what you paid for the original. the airline then refunds the difference or puts the extra money in a voucher, aka the seeds for your next vacrastination. repeat as necessary. repeat as necessary. repeat as necessary.