think i just reached the apotheosis or nadir of bachelorhood (so hard to say which is which) as i inhaled a tranche of seedless watermelon over the tub in an unlit bathroom as the juice ran down my chins and on to my increasingly porcine form. that i was bathed in sweat and attired in boxers and flip-flops only reinforces the image. and the cherry on top, i was mindlessly humming "i am the very model of a modern major general..." which if true does not speak well of our men in uniform.