drat fink

mr clean is the man

what moron would ever choose off-white self-adhesive linoleum floor tiles for an uneven paint splattered kitchen?

dave, let me introduce you to the mop and the broom. they will be your guide and companion on this long and arduous journey towards funk-free footfalls. dont let the dirt spewing from that hole in the ceiling or the one under the sink deter you. fear not the ubiquitous mouse or roach droppings on your path or in your pantry. (literally just saw a mouse.) for it must be true that cleaniness brings you closer to god. and while i cant quite make out his glimmering aura in the floor tiles, its pine-fresh shine is heaven sent.

d railed

oh snap, a shout out from james wolc..o...t...t......well now, wait a minute, something seems to be missing.

heart itch

psoriasis: its not just for scratching anymore.

pin the tail on the ass

memo to self: do not yelp "this place smells like shit" at a female however unpleasant you find the aroma of ox-tail soup. unlike their boyfriends and the specters in your mind, they will not find this the least bit amusing.

naut it

someone who would have been better off had he never heard of the stock market recommended xybernaut to me back in the pre-bubble bursting days. i think every stock he suggested was a pump and dump. really, you should have invested in real estate.

not ready to bake nice

sometimes i wish i was stupider so i wouldnt realize what an idiot i can be. (stop nodding. this has nothing to do with you. yes, just desserts is clever.)

penury insurance

i dont have health insurance. two years ago when they bumped me up from $320 to $465 i decided i couldnt afford it. i was just with somebody yesterday when they received news that their $460 was being raised to $575 a month. ouch.

berry nasty

i came very close to spitting on someone again today. i was waiting impatiently at the farmers market in union square to purchase a pint of blueberries. i had my ipod blaring so i was only minutely engaged with reality but even through that filter it was almost impossible not to notice the dithering of the farmista behind the makeshift counter. i had made no effort to get her attention beyond holding my $5 bill out in front of me to signal that i was prepared to pay. i wasnt insisting, i was just trying to make it known that i was ready. she was, at that moment, dealing with another customer who also was purchasing one pint of blueberries but somehow this exchange was taking minutes, not seconds to complete. that my hand was up at all was a result of my expectation that this previous transaction would be expedited with effeciency.

but then for whatever reason the hirsute-lipped farmstress decides to stop struggling with a plastic bag for the other patron and gives me a dollar which would be change for the blueberries that i was trying to purchase but then doesnt take my money. so now i have $6 dollars and the blueberries and im trying to give her the five so i can leave. i dont need no stinking plastic bag or nothing. so i imagine my arm thrusting becomes slightly more insistent, but little more, at which point she decides to go off on me. as i said, i had my ipod blasting so i couldnt even make out what she was saying but the phlegm was rising in the back of my throat eager to dot my non verbal exclamation. instead, i walked away but not before crumpling up my five and tossing it in her general direction.

current events

so i was without power for about 18 hours at my apartment until moments ago. ok, thats not exactly true, i ran an extension cord last night from my neighbors apartment, but, in theory, i was powerless. and, as expected, it was a burnt out fuse. unfortunately, the fuse box is in the basement of the building which is only accessible through the landlords "store" on the ground floor. i dont actually think you can call it a store because noone has bought anything in there since 1955.

so im annoyed for any number of reasons with the landlord. first, the wiring in the building sucks, and he refuses to even consider looking into what could be done. and now it looks like it will end up costing me considerable dollars (in increased rent) to put in a gas line for a stove so i can cook and have the air conditioner running at the same time. (im guessing thats what tripped the fuse.) and, of course, that conversation was precipitated by my complaining about his negligence (always a touchy subject).

meanwhile, at least part of my hardship could have been avoided if he trusted his super with the keys to his store. there is absolutely nothing worth stealing in the store. there is no reason not to have this contigency plan for emergencies. the landlord even said it was a good thing this didnt happen while he was away, but there was a good chance he might not have come in today and he doesnt work on saturdays, so i could potentially have been without power until sunday. needless to say, he has no plans to make any changes except to charge me more.

and then i asked if there was any way to reach him after business hours so he could have come back and dealt with my problem, to which he said that he would not come back at night even though he only lives about 10 minutes away on foot (and it was 7pm when it happened). so basically he doesnt give a fuck. if the laws werent what they were, i would have bludgeoned him on the spot.

service ace

broke my sports viewing lockout recently. a first place mets team and time to kill made for an irresistible combination as did the clay courts in paris this week and my recent affinity for tennis. ive kept the nba at bay but ill likely dip my toe into the world cup later this morning. it would be nice with a chocolate croissant and a cafe latte but my garliced homefries and swiss chard breakfast will have to fill that void.

but my kvetch heute morgen is a familiar one. espn has shown the french open live all week. nbc buys the final weekend rights and will likely show condensed time delayed semifinals and could possibly treat the finals and their viewers with equal distain. you suck, nbc. ad infinitum.