|
Lorna Mills and Sally McKay
Digital Media Tree this blog's archive OVVLvverk Lorna Mills: Artworks / Persona Volare / contact Sally McKay: GIFS / cv and contact |
View current page
...more recent posts
I used to be quite involved in a zine called Chicks United for Nonnoxious Transportation which a bunch of other girl cyclists in Toronto. I did most of the cover art, and wrote something for almost every issue. I was excited to discover that my piece "Cyclists Need Education" is online in the zine archives at messengers.com. It's wrongly attributed to Be Smiley who actually did draw the cartoon illustration that you see below. I am re-posting the piece here because, while it is undoubtedly the cruellest thing I ever wrote, it just might also be the best thing I ever wrote.
Cyclists Need Education
(written for C.U.N.T.zine, summer 1996)
To be perfectly frank, I don't like most cyclists. I'd rather hang out with respectable car drivers. Guys who know what they want and know how to get it - adult men, y'know what I mean? Guys like my Dad. What a great guy ol' Dad was - always taking us kids for rides in his Buick. Dad never liked cyclists either, said they belonged to the 'lunatic fringe'. Well, Dad, not all of us do! Some of us are respectable men like yourself, guys with a firm hand-shake who obey the law and proceed in an orderly, vehicular fashion.
Some cyclists want to change everything. They have silly ideas about making roads safer for cyclists by getting politicians and planners to take space away from cars. This proves that they belong on the lunatic fringe. They have to grow up and face the fact that cars and air pollution are here to stay. We aren't ever going to get respect from car drivers if cyclists keep acting anti-car. What driver would respect someone who said he was creating pollution? These issues are really very complex, a little difficult for emotional people (like women) to understand. The best thing for cyclists to do is get educated about how to behave in a vehicular fashion. That way they will win respect from car drivers.
All cyclists need to get educated about John Forrester. He wrote a book called Effective Cycling. John Forrester is a great, great guy. My Dad would've liked John Forrester. They'd have been friends. If my Dad knew John Forrester he'd have invited him over to dinner and they'd have played squash together. John Forrester knows that there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. He knows that certain cyclists, like me, know how to behave and get respect. Other cyclists need to get educated and stop acting stupid and doing wrong things.
When I'm riding I try to set a good example for other cyclists. Sometimes I see foreign cyclists and they don't know the right way to ride. Often women cyclists don't know how to ride because they're too scared. This kind of cyclist just needs to get educated by someone like me who knows the proper way to do things. Then drivers will stop hating cyclists and treat us all with respect.
If I ruled the world I'd make all cyclists ride like me - that way no one would ever get hurt. I'm never going to get hurt. I ride in a predictable manner that commands respect. As cars whizz by me I know that each and every driver is tipping his cap my way, "Now there's a fine cyclist," they think to themselves, "why, that fellow must have spent as much money on his shorts, fanny pack, whistle, helmet, cycling shoes, jersey, air horn, and handlebar pack as I spent on my car! And look at the fine vehicular way he rides. Such a respectable cyclist, not like those other scofflaws I see with long hair, dirty clothes, groceries and big butts.
When a car passes too close to me I know its a sign of respect. The driver can tell that I'm a very experienced cyclist and I can handle it. One time I met a driver who was really great and treated me with lots of respect. He didn't see me, poor guy, and hit me from behind when I was making a left turn in a vehicular fashion. He was really embarrassed when he saw how expensive my bike was. He told me that I looked like a really serious cyclist, not like those other scofflaws he's seen riding through stop signs and wearing dirty, old clothes. He was a great guy. He had a firm handshake like my Dad's. It was a pleasure to meet him, eventhough I did sustain a head injury.
I have one more thing to say, stay off the sidewalks! I spent a lot of money on my bike and my gear so people would take me seriously and treat me with respect. All you cyclists acting stupid are making me look bad.