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Doomed Plane's Number Lottery Winner
british pm tony blair has sent not so super secret agent harry potter to afghanistan to wreak havoc at the box office. having worked his magic in kabul theatres, he has moved on to bewitch taliban audiences in jalalabad and kandahar with his cuteness and pluck if not his magic. potter said the covert operation has come as a welcome relief from promoting his movie and merchandising tie-ins.
grateful for the assistance while mindful of the need to spend another 20 billion before the war ends to satisy the defense contractors, bush has issued guarded praise for the movie and potters secret intervention. he has publicly put on a good face and offered potter an open invitation to play t-ball at the whitehouse once all the evil has been wrung from bin laden. however, dratfink has unearthed secret NSA and CIA communiques outlining strategies for countering, kidnapping, cloning or killing potter if he becomes a risk to americas global hegemony.
stock for the gillette company soared on the exchange today at the prospect of an almost clean shaven afghanistan. their new ad campaign plastered on hastily assembled billboards amidst the rubble of kabul extols the virutes of 'gillette: the new face of freedom'. but dont confuse that with lancomes 'le nouveau visage de la liberté' campaign for women. the french beauty multinational have set up make-up booths in mazir e sharif to instruct the afghani women in the art and ritual of face painting. no more blaming the taliban for being dateless on a friday night, ladies!
birds cleared of all wrongdoing in airbus crash. incarcerated rebel flock leaders released from detention. bald eagles breathe easier. audobon society sues over defamation of character for birds everywhere.
america needs this kind of commitment to its olympic sports.
is this picture really necessary?
The Northern Alliance takes Kabul; the Taliban and Al-Qaeda are pinned down in the mountains and effectively neutralized; democracy is restored; Bush was right, the left was wrong; forget the Saudis, forget Palestine; let's put 9/11 behind us and get back to Britney.