My Burnt Food Bistro
If I opened a restaurant it would be known for my specialty, the blackened cheese pizza. Four different cheeses blackened to the point of being indistinguishable from each other, with a soft under-cooked doughy bottom.
I told the waitress ladies at the diner that I was there for an emergency lunch because I had set my pizza on fire. I don't generally burden the waitress ladies with too much personal detail but I thought today was a good day to share with them a little bit of what it is to be me. To them it sounds humorous being me. But not to be inattentive to my needs or emotions regarding cooking and failure the one waitress suggested that maybe I had the oven on broil. I considered this while I looked through my mail and stared out the window at the other eatery in town, a genuine Mobil 5 star restaurant. I don't think I would want my restaurant rated by an oil company. I would have to come up with a more diverse menu to get any rating at all but I think I would pass on the Mobil rating. This is a very small town and I think I could do pretty well by word of mouth. My critics would try to demean me by saying, he only cooks frozen foods, but my supporters would come right back with, that's true, but he burns them expertly. My goal, in life really, is to be considered quite a little cook. That food I had for lunch is making me sleepy. I would not put barbiturates in my food. Or, I don't know, maybe I would. Drug laced foods might be popular with some people. Or maybe not drug-laced. Maybe straight food with drug sides. My burnt food bistro would only bring them in for so long. I would have to keep the public interested. I bet if I started serving drug sides it would create a buzz. It's only a pun if you allow it to be. What's he burning today some future customer might ask an imaginary friend, perhaps one dressed like a rabbit. Oh you know, the same old stuff but with some serious junk sides. Junk sides, what do you mean junk sides? I mean junk junk and some not true junk but nearly lethal just the same. I'm confused. I probably can't help you with that but I can try to spell it out. There is burnt spaghetti and meatballs with heroin on the side. There is his landmark burnt pizza with wilted garden salad and a side of codeine cough syrup. He's doing the almost redundant burnt toasted cheese sandwich with a 5 or 10 milligram valium side. For the go getters there is the burnt black steak and potatoes with a cup of cocaine side and my personal favorite the Chicken Cacciatore Conflagration with the sacred mushroom side. But...? Oh yes, he'll burn a pork butt on special order, however that doesn't come with any schedule ones.
I think the waitress was probably right. I bet I had the oven on broil.
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