I Can Turn To The Right
Bernadette, I just got back from the doctor. It only took you a little over a year to assist me in the decision making process which led to last week my getting blood work done and this week a trip to the urologist. As I told you the blood work came out fine. Cholesterol numbers good and on all those other readings, twenty or so in total, I came in mostly right at the midpoint of acceptable levels, although at the high level of acceptable for carbon dioxide, and what that's doing in my blood I'll never know, nor would I desire anyone chiming in to inform me of what it is doing in my blood.
Now for the bad news, and it's worse than we thought. While it would seem likely that I am not suffering from colon or prostate cancer, it would appear very likely that I am in the advance stages of Alzheimers. I got up early enough to have time to kill so after taking a shower and in my clean sparkling going to the doctor outfit, I slathered a coat of paint on the railing for the little porch outside the cottage front door, that door that only the Jehovah's Witnesses use. Then like they always do, coming right out of the blue, I got one of those cricks in my neck, first just barely noticeable and then full blown, and now I have to turn my whole body to look left, but not so bad looking to the right so thank God for little favors. I hate to complain--not that it stops me from doing so--about little minor problems but did I tell you already that last night I cut my finger opening a can of anchovies?
Anyway, the slight nausea brought on by the discomfort in my neck has subsided somewhat, especially after having breakfast.
We were concerned you and I because after drinking a half bottle of wine, two beers and a couple of whiskies at night I was, after going to bed, getting up to pee several times. And while this could be caused by the fairly common non cancerous enlarging of the prostate, we thought it would be a good idea to get some of my parts checked out.
After the doctor I went to the Lowe's at the new and growing butt end of Front Royal. I used up too many of those mullion strips for the breezeway screening as door stop material for the two screen doors so I needed to get some more. But they didn't have it, that kind we got in Culpeper, only they did have the stuff, the plain stuff I was looking for in the first place, so I just decided the backside, facing the back porch area, won't have the more decorative stuff. And I got a couple of slices of rough cedar to repair that garage door. And a can of black spray paint for the strap hinges. Looking at it all now it would seem rather certain that something on my last minute to do list isn't getting done, because I don't know if you noticed last time you were here but this house has growing now something more like dust-elephants than dust-bunnies, so a good cleaning is in order, which really wasn't on the list.
Well next to the Lowe's is a brand spanking new ginormous Walmart so I went in there because you know how I love my one stop shopping. You are nodding, or perhaps shaking your head now. You say, "yes baby I do know how you love your one stop shopping. You are a good little shopper you, right up to that point in time when the panic strikes and you come find me in whatever store we are in, and you sweating and white as a dirty t-shirt grab my arm and say 'we have to leave now.' And if I so much as bat an eye you say, 'no, now. We. Have. To. Leave. Now. Put. The. Butter. Down. And. Follow. Me. Out. Of. Here.'"
I don't know how many times you've heard me say this but this was the biggest damn Walmart ever. And, practically vacant. Shopping paradise. So I got some more travel items for our trip to Mexico.
And HAH, the jokes on you all you nay-saying ooohhhh, you can't go to Mexico, the crime, the crime, I saw it on CNN about the crime. I got a pandemic for your pie holes.
So yes, back to holes. I am not overly averse to the idea of some of the seemingly unnatural aspects of medical procedure. If medical science has determined that it is good for me have a latex-gloved finger smeared with vaseline and inserted searchingly into my rectum, then so be it. That being said, it does require a little bit of psyching up on the way to the doctor's office. But after some deep breathing and a few well delivered jokes to myself, I was good with it, almost cheerful you could say. But when I pulled on the doctors door it was locked. The outside door to the office, the access door to all medical personnel employed therein, shuttered.
I went downstairs and tried the Ob-Gyn office. It wasn't locked but the receptionist was gone, vacant, not to be found.
I then went back to the family practice office, across the parking lot, where I had my blood work done, and ask them what may be up.
You know, I wasn't sure if any of the procedures would require me having an empty stomach but just to be safe I had not eaten or had anything to drink that morning. And as you try to weave your way out of the Lowe's/Walmart parking lot you practically run right into The Cracker Barrel. We've eaten there together. I will for the record, to save you no small amount of embarrassment, state that I made you eat there with me, just in case any of the real smart readers are able to crack the code of who really is this Bernadette. I didn't have to make Bill Macy eat there. He was like--"Cracker Barrel? Cracker Barrel? When do we get there, are we there yet? I want Cracker Barrel, I want Cracker Barrel." Cracker Barrel is great if you have a longing for seventies hairdo's on a waitress. And if your waitress doesn't call you hon' you get ten percent off your check. As for the food--well the sawmill gravy is at least accurately named. It really does taste like sawdust. But it filled me up and not once did I feel like gagging, So I'm giving it one thumb up, but there is grease under the nail of that thumb. Then I went home.
"I don't know why the door would be locked," the receptionist said. I didn't know either. "Did we make this appointment for you?" she asked in a way to imply that if I said no she was going to tell me to get the hell out and quit wasting her time. So I just said yes, even though thinking on it now, no, I don't think they did make the appointment. While she was checking into matters I joked with the other receptionist, "this is Monday, April 27th isn't it." She smiled and said it was and I continued, "you know, just in case I did a Rip van..." but I trailed off before finishing because none of this was really that funny and they are probably sick of lame jokes delivered by uptight patients about to get a finger up their butt.
When I walked out I was pissed off I don't mind telling you, but I had no one to direct it at because these receptionists were not part of the loop. I most certainly DID NOT make the appointment for May 27 I fumed to myself on the way out. A week and a half ago I asked for the earliest possible appointment and the receptionist said May 27? Is that even possible? You know, I am remembering now to four years ago when I saw this guy last. I was there on the right day but I was about six hours too early, they fit me in that time, but this time there was no one there behind the locked doors to be fit in by. The specialists at this office only come through on a revolving schedule and are not based in the town of Front Royal. So I'm sorry Bernadette, I wanted to get this done and check it off the list but on the bright side, I didn't get a strange finger up my bum today. I promise when we get back from Mexico, if we do get back from Mexico, that I will start over and perhaps even find a better doctor up in Warrenton, and hell, I'll even throw in a colonoscopy and barium enema to prove to you how serious I am about the health of my insides, although we should probably face it, it will be my mind that's the death of me.
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