The Guiltless Chip Eater
Not that I'm name dropping, not yet anyhow, but raindrops as big as cow patties came slapping down against my windshield. I was driving to the dump. I hand deliver my garbage here in Rappahannock. Raindrops as big as cow patties, yes they were, and when they hit the black asphalt they sizzled like bacon in a cast iron skillet. That's how hot it was. Been fearful hot here for a number of days. It's so hot I won't even attempt the short hike from my air conditioned house up that driveway to the swimming pool. Oh you could float a Sunday away when its this hot but I'm staying inside so's my hair don't curl. Not that that's a very good reason but I'd come up with another if you pressed me. I got a fella that cuts my grass and he was going to come over and swim, with his boys, the one of thems been operated on by the foremost children's brain surgeon in this country, over at Johns Hopkins, had a birthday yesterday down in Front Royal that I went to, a kid without a lick of musical sense shouted above all of us during the singing, which was in one way a blessing and in another way just ill-mannered. The birthday boy didn't seem to mind, he just smiled like a boy with a table full of presents to open. Myself I don't care much for an ill-mannered child and I'm old enough now to where it's not considered self-loathing. They was swarming down at the fruit stand, to get to the point, seems Roy got his name in the paper, I didn't read it myself, nor do I intend to just in case it is bad news, of which I do not need no more, but he had his hair combed and one of his good shirts on and seemed in high spirit so I expect it was nothing too awful they wrote about him. Good for him. But I'm not here bragging like I know someone got his name in the paper. I'm just writing to tell you that the frost got his pie cheeries and there ain't gonna be none down here. Forget about it. God bless them ones you enjoying up there, but forget about it down here, they froze up during that late frost. Hell in a handbasket. Oh, there's the driveway alarm, kidding around now you know I ain't got one like Roy, but I can hear gravel under tires easy enough if I'm listening. I can see right off it ain't that one I told not to come back but I'm not so sure it's the birthday boy either. I'm feeling a bit surly, what with the recent news about cheeries, and having to go out in that heat for nothing more that bad news and a trip to the dump that could of waited, not to mention those raindrops as big as cow patties, and the effect they may have had on my electrical system, what with the new hole just showed up in one of my headlights, the one that wasn't already cracked too. Oh yeah no, when it rains like cow poop falling from the sky you know it's raining hard as hell, only it didn't rain that way for but thirty seconds. And that is just enough to make a hopeful man cry in his buttermilk. Oh it was the twin, the one that didn't call to warn me about a visit, coming to warn me about his brother's visit, who did call me to warn me about his visit, and ask did I need something from the civilized world. And oh hell shitfire there he comes now and I sure did want a pizza. I guess I'll go up and get all the beer I can out of the two of them, and hope that somebody brought chips or something for the kids. Their chips I will eat guiltlessly.
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