A Rush To Toilet
It began today as an inauspicious ending after a night shortened by a morning too soon. Endings can be hard especially when necessary and here in Bushy Fork, the former Fence Post, I felt at dawn the dread of the dream walking naked through high school halls realizing against all waking logic that I didn't have enough credits to graduate. I did graduate though mane, what the hell is the meaning of that dream? A question not begging an answer is still worth voicing.
I'm eating Blue Diamond almonds from a bag and drinking Newcastle from WalMart and in a perfect world where anything you wanted to amount to something, did, with no sense of who is the whore and what constitutes whoring, would be enough to fly me around the world nonstop. Although of course I would occasionally stop for more beer and almonds.
Mane, nobody's calling me which despite seeming like a return on the investment from encouraging people over so many years not to call me, is still harshing my sense of well being. There are no banks to handle this kind of business, I have to do it all on my own and it's lonely at the top of a, uh, island. I know it is only ignominious by my own reporting but oh the shame, the shame of he who waits by the phone.
Though Bruce and Pizza did show up, without calling, and the last, the very last several hundred pounds of past renter's garbage did finally find a home somewhere. I'm not sure what bridge they dropped it off of, or into what pristine water, or who's backyard or into what illegal dump. I trust them implicitly. And rounded their pay up 10 dollars over an already fairly generous offering.
And the property managers are not returning my calls. It will be less than ideal to leave here without engagement to a property manager. But then they are here and seem willing and acceptable or better than that and without too much, as my mother was fond of saying, hullaballoo, the deal is inked and I'm ready to pack up and get the hell out of here. Except for that toilet which sprung a leak today.
Oh how I rushed out against all my better inclination towards leisure, and purchased that new toilet, only to lug that heavy bitch in and realize my earlier assessment had been too much based on self doubt, and that the leak was not so much a go out and buy a new toilet kind of leak but a simple push a small plastic tube onto a nipple sort of leak. I'm keeping that new toilet dammit. I will not give up on self doubt so easily.
...more recent posts
Healthcare
Two months ago she had seemed very nice over the phone when explaining to me about how I could pay off the doctor's bills over time. But now sitting in her office I am trying to keep from soundy bitchy and she is, today anyway, not that happy to begin with. Maybe her kid got kicked out of military school. And the fact that I can pay these bills (I have given the same speech now several times over the several visits, that I want to be paid up in full when I leave the office), that I am concerned about the elaborately complex billing and how inexplicable charges keep showing up after I've been assured I'm all paid up, that I'm not putting her in the position of seeming to help me by setting up a lifetime payment plan and instead am asking her to explain something she clearly has no clue about, is just making the matter worse.
I had been summoned to her office after watching the minute hand move well past my appointment time. Johnson, Margoli, Sevenski, Washington, Tavelles had all gone in front of me. Tavelles went back with his wife and a clear gallon sized ziplock bag containing all his medications. There were messages on my cell phone from a robot confirming my appointment and telling me to bring all my medications with me (I have none, after the pain was gone I just ate the remaining pills for the sheer fun of it) and that there was no smoking anywhere inside or out of the Duke Hospital premises (don't, would never) and that there was a billing system which might come from two different sources (this it was explained was so that we patients could be better served and was the first clue that I should just K up and enjoy the miserable ride and probably should have never entered the Castle in the first place.) Damn Tavelles, I'm thinking, you are taking way too many pills. There were at least thirty plastic amber bottles with white child-proof tops in that baggie. If there really is a war on drugs and we can assume a training facility for its soldiers, this guy would be the face on a pop up target.
When I arrived the receptionist had tried to get me to pay for the past and the future and I was about to but then she said unless you'd rather wait to add today's charges and pay on the way out and I said that sounded fine as it would save me valuable time and obfuscate the idea of double billing. But I suspected something was up when all those people went in front of me, each of them with the swagger, albeit a waddling swagger in some cases, of the well insured. And then the perky nurse came up and said I would need to go see Millicent, the billing manager. I have talked with Millicent on previous visits and that first time on the phone weeks ago and also her counterpart down the hall and they are both fine people and nice to be around and maybe it is too much to expect that they should understand everything there is to know about the fiscal complexities of the behemoth hospital. I could see that asking her to explain the details of my past charges was beyond what she was either willing or capable of doing so I slid the card over and watched as she slid it through the card reader. I hate the feeling, the burden of it, knowing something that will make things work better but also knowing the mentioning of it will be a mistake. So I didn't say anything while she repeatedly swiped and failed. What would I really gain, what would either of us really gain by the information that the magnetic strip on the back of the card was each time clearly visible to me as being outside the confines of the reader? Millie disappeared with my card and the perky nurse came in and said oh whenever you're ready and I said I would be with her shortly.
I was sitting back in the waiting room when she came for me, asking was everything all right (meaning did Millie overcome that dreaded malfunctioning card reader and was I no longer considered a deadbeat) and I said everything was fine and meant it. And saying it made me wonder what the hell am I doing here in this hell of contagion, risking with my every touch some god-awful sickness I did not come in with?
I suppose that be it with leeches or card readers the ways of medicine must remain mysterious.
My blood pressure is dead on average and has been for every testing of it in my life. The doctor came in smiling but said sorry, you're average, and I said I could have told you that, what do I owe you. He said the testing of my kidney stone showed it to be the most common kind and I guess that's good. He said my testicles were fine and I said thank you. I told him that sometime in the next year I would probably still want to have that benign mass in the left one removed and he said he could set that up. I said I didn't really want to set it up yet but would like to know what it cost. He gave me the names of two doctors in NY in case I wanted to have it done there and the PCT billing code for the procedure (if I wanted to have it done at Duke) which I then took back to Millicent. She was trying to hide behind the monitor of her computer. I hated to bother her. But I did. I handed her the billing code. She said it would take two days and that she would call me. I left the building, trying not to touch anything on the way out.
Two months ago she had seemed very nice over the phone when explaining to me about how I could pay off the doctor's bills over time. But now sitting in her office I am trying to keep from soundy bitchy and she is, today anyway, not that happy to begin with. Maybe her kid got kicked out of military school. And the fact that I can pay these bills (I have given the same speech now several times over the several visits, that I want to be paid up in full when I leave the office), that I am concerned about the elaborately complex billing and how inexplicable charges keep showing up after I've been assured I'm all paid up, that I'm not putting her in the position of seeming to help me by setting up a lifetime payment plan and instead am asking her to explain something she clearly has no clue about, is just making the matter worse.
I had been summoned to her office after watching the minute hand move well past my appointment time. Johnson, Margoli, Sevenski, Washington, Tavelles had all gone in front of me. Tavelles went back with his wife and a clear gallon sized ziplock bag containing all his medications. There were messages on my cell phone from a robot confirming my appointment and telling me to bring all my medications with me (I have none, after the pain was gone I just ate the remaining pills for the sheer fun of it) and that there was no smoking anywhere inside or out of the Duke Hospital premises (don't, would never) and that there was a billing system which might come from two different sources (this it was explained was so that we patients could be better served and was the first clue that I should just K up and enjoy the miserable ride and probably should have never entered the Castle in the first place.) Damn Tavelles, I'm thinking, you are taking way too many pills. There were at least thirty plastic amber bottles with white child-proof tops in that baggie. If there really is a war on drugs and we can assume a training facility for its soldiers, this guy would be the face on a pop up target.
When I arrived the receptionist had tried to get me to pay for the past and the future and I was about to but then she said unless you'd rather wait to add today's charges and pay on the way out and I said that sounded fine as it would save me valuable time and obfuscate the idea of double billing. But I suspected something was up when all those people went in front of me, each of them with the swagger, albeit a waddling swagger in some cases, of the well insured. And then the perky nurse came up and said I would need to go see Millicent, the billing manager. I have talked with Millicent on previous visits and that first time on the phone weeks ago and also her counterpart down the hall and they are both fine people and nice to be around and maybe it is too much to expect that they should understand everything there is to know about the fiscal complexities of the behemoth hospital. I could see that asking her to explain the details of my past charges was beyond what she was either willing or capable of doing so I slid the card over and watched as she slid it through the card reader. I hate the feeling, the burden of it, knowing something that will make things work better but also knowing the mentioning of it will be a mistake. So I didn't say anything while she repeatedly swiped and failed. What would I really gain, what would either of us really gain by the information that the magnetic strip on the back of the card was each time clearly visible to me as being outside the confines of the reader? Millie disappeared with my card and the perky nurse came in and said oh whenever you're ready and I said I would be with her shortly.
I was sitting back in the waiting room when she came for me, asking was everything all right (meaning did Millie overcome that dreaded malfunctioning card reader and was I no longer considered a deadbeat) and I said everything was fine and meant it. And saying it made me wonder what the hell am I doing here in this hell of contagion, risking with my every touch some god-awful sickness I did not come in with?
I suppose that be it with leeches or card readers the ways of medicine must remain mysterious.
My blood pressure is dead on average and has been for every testing of it in my life. The doctor came in smiling but said sorry, you're average, and I said I could have told you that, what do I owe you. He said the testing of my kidney stone showed it to be the most common kind and I guess that's good. He said my testicles were fine and I said thank you. I told him that sometime in the next year I would probably still want to have that benign mass in the left one removed and he said he could set that up. I said I didn't really want to set it up yet but would like to know what it cost. He gave me the names of two doctors in NY in case I wanted to have it done there and the PCT billing code for the procedure (if I wanted to have it done at Duke) which I then took back to Millicent. She was trying to hide behind the monitor of her computer. I hated to bother her. But I did. I handed her the billing code. She said it would take two days and that she would call me. I left the building, trying not to touch anything on the way out.
Cat Comforter
Oh the cat's been pretty good about being left alone for many days these recent weeks, with her cat window for egress and that man who comes every couple of days and fills her bowl. No apparent tantrums on my returns discluding the blood drawn from my flesh and not much to suggest extreme angst while I'm away, the shredded toilet paper rolls really only good clean fun. I write the blood drawing off to over-exuberant joy or possibly she just likes to see the peroxide bubble on my wounds. I'm coming for you Virginia, I'm all packed up and waiting for the sheets to dry and then I'll drive up from NC and pick you up and bring you down here for one last visit. No, you won't be happy about the driving and you will poop yourself and drool but we'll clean that up and let it fade into the recesses of our memories. When I left you were snuck up under the comforter like a wadded up pair of pants. I knew it was you though, ain't no fooling me but what I let you.
Oh the cat's been pretty good about being left alone for many days these recent weeks, with her cat window for egress and that man who comes every couple of days and fills her bowl. No apparent tantrums on my returns discluding the blood drawn from my flesh and not much to suggest extreme angst while I'm away, the shredded toilet paper rolls really only good clean fun. I write the blood drawing off to over-exuberant joy or possibly she just likes to see the peroxide bubble on my wounds. I'm coming for you Virginia, I'm all packed up and waiting for the sheets to dry and then I'll drive up from NC and pick you up and bring you down here for one last visit. No, you won't be happy about the driving and you will poop yourself and drool but we'll clean that up and let it fade into the recesses of our memories. When I left you were snuck up under the comforter like a wadded up pair of pants. I knew it was you though, ain't no fooling me but what I let you.
The Barrel
In North Carolina there is a fifty gallon plastic barrel full of chicken manure and water out in the back yard, one of the last troublesome remnants from the former tenant and I'm not real sure how to go about dealing with it. A neighbor with a garden might be interested but I suspect they would feel the same trouble I do, that is how to move it without sloshing the top layer of water all over you, or how to remove the top layer of water without an unfortunate result.
I have imagined drilling a hole in the barrel to remove some water but not knowing how much water is in there or being able to figure out the projectile force of the ensuing stream I am hesitant to go that route. Rubber gloves and a small handled bucket I could use and then dip out until the water is gone or enough of it to roll the barrel away somewhere with the handcart seems like an ok idea. In its resting state the barrel does not give off any odor and it may be that as manure it is thoroughly processed and the stink will be minimal but uncertainy still resides deep inside me. Years ago in a job that had me walking across vast stretches of East Texas farm and woodland I came upon a fairly large commercial chicken coop and etched pretty deeply into that part of my brain that assists with the gag reflex is the memory of the crude effluvium drain running out of the coop and through a shallow ditch alongside it. That part of my brain and I have come to an understanding that if I won't visit it, it won't visit me.
If you have ever siphoned gas out of a tank you know it is close to impossible not to get at least a little in your mouth so I have ruled that out completely.
I have it on my list to call Bruce and Pizza to haul away the several hundred bagged pounds of non burnable remnant which I have raked from the burn pile and a couple of other junk graves on the property, the bones and cans and plastic and assorted metal parts and rubber hoses and twine and discarded toys and spent shotgun shells just floating up on their own over time, and I'm sure they would deal with it without out all this namby pamby considering but I hate to lay it on them, kind of in the same way you straighten up the worst of your mess before calling the cleaning lady.
I guess I'll just put it off and deal with something else today. Might drive into town and get breakfast and then over to the Home Improvement to pick up some flexible heating duct to replace that section or two into which mice moved and infected my interior air with the aroma of their urine and feces and, I daresay, their dead selves.
In North Carolina there is a fifty gallon plastic barrel full of chicken manure and water out in the back yard, one of the last troublesome remnants from the former tenant and I'm not real sure how to go about dealing with it. A neighbor with a garden might be interested but I suspect they would feel the same trouble I do, that is how to move it without sloshing the top layer of water all over you, or how to remove the top layer of water without an unfortunate result.
I have imagined drilling a hole in the barrel to remove some water but not knowing how much water is in there or being able to figure out the projectile force of the ensuing stream I am hesitant to go that route. Rubber gloves and a small handled bucket I could use and then dip out until the water is gone or enough of it to roll the barrel away somewhere with the handcart seems like an ok idea. In its resting state the barrel does not give off any odor and it may be that as manure it is thoroughly processed and the stink will be minimal but uncertainy still resides deep inside me. Years ago in a job that had me walking across vast stretches of East Texas farm and woodland I came upon a fairly large commercial chicken coop and etched pretty deeply into that part of my brain that assists with the gag reflex is the memory of the crude effluvium drain running out of the coop and through a shallow ditch alongside it. That part of my brain and I have come to an understanding that if I won't visit it, it won't visit me.
If you have ever siphoned gas out of a tank you know it is close to impossible not to get at least a little in your mouth so I have ruled that out completely.
I have it on my list to call Bruce and Pizza to haul away the several hundred bagged pounds of non burnable remnant which I have raked from the burn pile and a couple of other junk graves on the property, the bones and cans and plastic and assorted metal parts and rubber hoses and twine and discarded toys and spent shotgun shells just floating up on their own over time, and I'm sure they would deal with it without out all this namby pamby considering but I hate to lay it on them, kind of in the same way you straighten up the worst of your mess before calling the cleaning lady.
I guess I'll just put it off and deal with something else today. Might drive into town and get breakfast and then over to the Home Improvement to pick up some flexible heating duct to replace that section or two into which mice moved and infected my interior air with the aroma of their urine and feces and, I daresay, their dead selves.
Did You Hear The One About
I am trying to think of a story to embarrass Mr. BC on his birthday but I can't tell that one and the other one would break his mother's heart and there's another one that would land him in jail, and it would not make sense to put the guy who bails you out of jail, in jail. I think I've already told the one where he is holding hands with the two girls on either side of him in the film room in 2nd grade, watching what--And Now Miguel, or that teacher's favorite featuring the animated hemoglobin, Hemo the Magnificent?
He was the Babe Ruth of our neighborhood baseball games, a real long ball hitter, but that's like a compliment and I don't really see him getting embarrassed over a comparison to Babe Ruth.
He threw a dart at me once and it stuck in my index finger and he never apologized for that, unless you accept hysterical laughter as apology, so he has a dark side, make no mistake about that.
He developed a technique for cheating at pool where he would follow through with a shot with such a flare of forward momentum that you would hardly notice he was knocking one of his balls in with the butt end of the cue on the back swing.
Oh here's one, his family had a game room called the Texas Room, complete with bar and a player piano and that print of dogs smoking and playing poker and for awhile anyway, during the sixties, the entrance to the room was covered with long strands of plastic beads and before the pool table there was a bumper pool table, which was a lot of fun and I always thought it was so cool that his parents set aside a room in the house where they never, hardly ever bugged us but as time has passed I realize that the real motive behind that Texas Room was that we would have a place at the far end of the house, with separate entrance, so that we would not bug them. But what I wanted to say, about the bar stocked with his parents liquor was that...we never touched it. Sure his father looked a little like John Wayne but John Wayne never punched kids so I don't know what we were afraid of. Or what BC was afraid of, Mr. non parental liquor stealing sissie. Yeah that's right, body blow. Bet you wished you hadn't thrown that dart now huh?
There's some stuff with teenage girls and BC and our friend TA who lived in the blue and white house across from mine but pretty innocent stuff really and I won't bore you with it. He's always had good honest enthusiasm for the sweeter mysteries of life I'll just say that.
He was good with maps and diagrams and planning capers and I think if we had been living through the depression together he would have devised ways to take care of all of us, providing us with food and clothes and hell, even baseballs. Of course without a depression to shape him into a kind of a syndicate boss he has pretty much taken care of all of us anyway, albeit with hard work and blah blah blah. Although we could still see a depression so his real skills may someday come into play.
BC, a legitimately talented musician and artist was always quick to encourage me (as a ten-year-old) in my own music career, though as it turned out I was a one hit off key wonder with an unfinished song called--The Motor Scooter Song, a song which as far as I can tell somehow made it many years later into the hands of Bruce Springsteen and in rhythm and subject matter was the basis for pretty much every other song he did in his heyday. I'm not bitter about it, I'm just saying.
Hell, there really aren't any stories I can tell where BC doesn't come out a shining star, including the ones I can't tell. On three everybody--ridin' down the road on my motor scooter tonite, motor scooter, hoo motor scooter...
I am trying to think of a story to embarrass Mr. BC on his birthday but I can't tell that one and the other one would break his mother's heart and there's another one that would land him in jail, and it would not make sense to put the guy who bails you out of jail, in jail. I think I've already told the one where he is holding hands with the two girls on either side of him in the film room in 2nd grade, watching what--And Now Miguel, or that teacher's favorite featuring the animated hemoglobin, Hemo the Magnificent?
He was the Babe Ruth of our neighborhood baseball games, a real long ball hitter, but that's like a compliment and I don't really see him getting embarrassed over a comparison to Babe Ruth.
He threw a dart at me once and it stuck in my index finger and he never apologized for that, unless you accept hysterical laughter as apology, so he has a dark side, make no mistake about that.
He developed a technique for cheating at pool where he would follow through with a shot with such a flare of forward momentum that you would hardly notice he was knocking one of his balls in with the butt end of the cue on the back swing.
Oh here's one, his family had a game room called the Texas Room, complete with bar and a player piano and that print of dogs smoking and playing poker and for awhile anyway, during the sixties, the entrance to the room was covered with long strands of plastic beads and before the pool table there was a bumper pool table, which was a lot of fun and I always thought it was so cool that his parents set aside a room in the house where they never, hardly ever bugged us but as time has passed I realize that the real motive behind that Texas Room was that we would have a place at the far end of the house, with separate entrance, so that we would not bug them. But what I wanted to say, about the bar stocked with his parents liquor was that...we never touched it. Sure his father looked a little like John Wayne but John Wayne never punched kids so I don't know what we were afraid of. Or what BC was afraid of, Mr. non parental liquor stealing sissie. Yeah that's right, body blow. Bet you wished you hadn't thrown that dart now huh?
There's some stuff with teenage girls and BC and our friend TA who lived in the blue and white house across from mine but pretty innocent stuff really and I won't bore you with it. He's always had good honest enthusiasm for the sweeter mysteries of life I'll just say that.
He was good with maps and diagrams and planning capers and I think if we had been living through the depression together he would have devised ways to take care of all of us, providing us with food and clothes and hell, even baseballs. Of course without a depression to shape him into a kind of a syndicate boss he has pretty much taken care of all of us anyway, albeit with hard work and blah blah blah. Although we could still see a depression so his real skills may someday come into play.
BC, a legitimately talented musician and artist was always quick to encourage me (as a ten-year-old) in my own music career, though as it turned out I was a one hit off key wonder with an unfinished song called--The Motor Scooter Song, a song which as far as I can tell somehow made it many years later into the hands of Bruce Springsteen and in rhythm and subject matter was the basis for pretty much every other song he did in his heyday. I'm not bitter about it, I'm just saying.
Hell, there really aren't any stories I can tell where BC doesn't come out a shining star, including the ones I can't tell. On three everybody--ridin' down the road on my motor scooter tonite, motor scooter, hoo motor scooter...
The Mice Wars
Have you ever noticed how in common usage, or perhaps regionally, certain Interstate highways are referred to with the definite article "the" in front of them? As in I am on the I-5 or I am on the I-95? And for all I know, or to the point don't know, using the article is proper usage and my public school upbringing which has me saying, I fell off that boxcar and had to find my way back to I-10 is just completely wrong. Anyway, I mention it because it is a minor distraction to me, not necessarily an unpleasant one, and I thought I would pass it on so that we could be distracted at the same time. I have no intention of going on about Interstates or parts of speech.
Well it's happening again, that seasonal change on the east coast bringing cloud art to the skies and a lighting scheme infused with more juice than there was a month ago and you have to wonder did God accidentally plug his overhead lighting into the 220 outlet instead of the 110 and is there going to be a crackling explosion, sparks flying everywhere burning little black spots into the linoleum and then blackout until His handyman, who is vacationing in Purgatory, can come and straighten things out?
I am driving down 29 South just beyond Charlottesville in Nelson county and it is taking the better part of me to not to stop in the middle of the road and gaze dreamily at the surrounding scenery, perhaps not with impunity as there is an eighteen-wheeler barreling down my ass and so I shift into a more concentrative frame of mind and like that, I'm in the Fiat cruising down the A-19 in Sicily (where using the definite article seems appropriate.) I go from transporting (if you include the hastily packed wadded up clothes in my overnight bag, two paint brushes, and a chainsaw as cargo) to transported in the blink of an eye. This transporting thing happens now and again and I don't mean to imply it as vivid memory but rather to say it is existing in one place while you are clearly in another. Sadly, or not sadly at all, it can't go on for very long.
And like that I am choking on a thought, gagging, eyes watering, face turning purple if not blue, so taking my hands off the steering wheel I give myself a Heimlich and what comes out is this common memory from barely two hours previous.
I am carrying a small pail of rodent chunk bait but don't be fooled by the term "bait" because this is not a catch and release program. Around the Virginia bighouse I have strategically placed three plastic hollow faux granite boulders. Prying open these boulders with a special tool which is included in the 23 dollar a piece price tag you find inside four metal rods. The green rectangular chunk bait has holes driled down their middle, longways, and two of the chunks will fit on each rod. Then I close the boulder until it clicks, letting me know that it is securely fastened and therefore safe for children, pets, indeed the whole family, unless you are a family of rats or your pet is a mouse.
This method had proven very effective and rarely (but occasionally) does there end up inside the house a cute furry defenseless shriveled malodorous pissing and shitting disease carrying rodent, usually pretty well dried up and crusty by the time I get to it. Compared to using the more hands on method of spring traps I liken this to the Bomber pilot versus the Infantryman. Whereas before, as Infantryman, I had been entering the house with bayonet drawn, carefully peeking around corners, and always on guard against the merely wounded and that accompanying spine tingling chill when hearing a trap moving on its own across a wood floor, now I was flying peacefully over the terrain, looking out my cockpit at the pretty mountains below and when my target shows up on the grid map I just press a button and fly on. But I don't mean to suggest that later in a bar back home after the ticker tape parade both these men aren't suffering the realities of past duties, that they aren't transported back to something unpleasant done. And that could be why transporting out of your current time and space must be short lived, because even if it is a pleasant transport the reality remains that almost always there is an eighteen wheeler barreling down your ass, and you should be focussed in the here and now so that when it is safe to do so you can move out of its way. Likewise for the bombadier and infantryman drowning in their sorrow, there is outside the periphery of their horrific memories a woman at the bar wishing they would buy her a drink.
And now back here in North Carolina, there is an oven door handle to replace, receptacle and switch plate covers to put on, overhead lights or ceiling fans to buy and install, some touch up painting and a little varnish to apply, and so on and so on.
Have you ever noticed how in common usage, or perhaps regionally, certain Interstate highways are referred to with the definite article "the" in front of them? As in I am on the I-5 or I am on the I-95? And for all I know, or to the point don't know, using the article is proper usage and my public school upbringing which has me saying, I fell off that boxcar and had to find my way back to I-10 is just completely wrong. Anyway, I mention it because it is a minor distraction to me, not necessarily an unpleasant one, and I thought I would pass it on so that we could be distracted at the same time. I have no intention of going on about Interstates or parts of speech.
Well it's happening again, that seasonal change on the east coast bringing cloud art to the skies and a lighting scheme infused with more juice than there was a month ago and you have to wonder did God accidentally plug his overhead lighting into the 220 outlet instead of the 110 and is there going to be a crackling explosion, sparks flying everywhere burning little black spots into the linoleum and then blackout until His handyman, who is vacationing in Purgatory, can come and straighten things out?
I am driving down 29 South just beyond Charlottesville in Nelson county and it is taking the better part of me to not to stop in the middle of the road and gaze dreamily at the surrounding scenery, perhaps not with impunity as there is an eighteen-wheeler barreling down my ass and so I shift into a more concentrative frame of mind and like that, I'm in the Fiat cruising down the A-19 in Sicily (where using the definite article seems appropriate.) I go from transporting (if you include the hastily packed wadded up clothes in my overnight bag, two paint brushes, and a chainsaw as cargo) to transported in the blink of an eye. This transporting thing happens now and again and I don't mean to imply it as vivid memory but rather to say it is existing in one place while you are clearly in another. Sadly, or not sadly at all, it can't go on for very long.
And like that I am choking on a thought, gagging, eyes watering, face turning purple if not blue, so taking my hands off the steering wheel I give myself a Heimlich and what comes out is this common memory from barely two hours previous.
I am carrying a small pail of rodent chunk bait but don't be fooled by the term "bait" because this is not a catch and release program. Around the Virginia bighouse I have strategically placed three plastic hollow faux granite boulders. Prying open these boulders with a special tool which is included in the 23 dollar a piece price tag you find inside four metal rods. The green rectangular chunk bait has holes driled down their middle, longways, and two of the chunks will fit on each rod. Then I close the boulder until it clicks, letting me know that it is securely fastened and therefore safe for children, pets, indeed the whole family, unless you are a family of rats or your pet is a mouse.
This method had proven very effective and rarely (but occasionally) does there end up inside the house a cute furry defenseless shriveled malodorous pissing and shitting disease carrying rodent, usually pretty well dried up and crusty by the time I get to it. Compared to using the more hands on method of spring traps I liken this to the Bomber pilot versus the Infantryman. Whereas before, as Infantryman, I had been entering the house with bayonet drawn, carefully peeking around corners, and always on guard against the merely wounded and that accompanying spine tingling chill when hearing a trap moving on its own across a wood floor, now I was flying peacefully over the terrain, looking out my cockpit at the pretty mountains below and when my target shows up on the grid map I just press a button and fly on. But I don't mean to suggest that later in a bar back home after the ticker tape parade both these men aren't suffering the realities of past duties, that they aren't transported back to something unpleasant done. And that could be why transporting out of your current time and space must be short lived, because even if it is a pleasant transport the reality remains that almost always there is an eighteen wheeler barreling down your ass, and you should be focussed in the here and now so that when it is safe to do so you can move out of its way. Likewise for the bombadier and infantryman drowning in their sorrow, there is outside the periphery of their horrific memories a woman at the bar wishing they would buy her a drink.
And now back here in North Carolina, there is an oven door handle to replace, receptacle and switch plate covers to put on, overhead lights or ceiling fans to buy and install, some touch up painting and a little varnish to apply, and so on and so on.
Yonkers v. Crossover
The Virginia cat Virginia missed me enough to draw blood on first greeting and the little beads of blood on my hand are testament to her devotion to me. I spank her lightly on her right haunch which is something she actually likes so it's not really punishment. She listens attentively and without blinking to my brief recitation of Roman adventures and then retires to her cardboard box. I don't tell her about the cats of Palermo. She crowds me on the bed now and I pet her when I tire of the keyboard.
Three days in New York after finishing the Italy trip with three days in Rome and I am a little disoriented by being able to understand what people are saying and wishing to some degree that I could not. Also I find it harder to understand the architecture in New York so I wander off on Saturday in search of something to relate to and instead of crossing the Williamsburg Bridge stop at the East River. Walking back and forth looking for a spot to own I pause at a little league baseball game and end up staying for the double header. The boys are twelve or thirteen I think or maybe a little older. There is a little league football being played on a field that takes up part of the baseball outfield and periodically the game is stopped while eight and nine year olds line up for third and long. I stand mostly, to the right of home plate and watch a Chinese kid for the Yonkers team throw slow looping curve balls with fairly decent accuracy. I was rooting against him though as the prevailing sun and dust storms caused me to move over and by default root for the Crossover Phenoms.
I was like a scout as far as anyone was concerned and with my uncanny understanding of the game and ability to recognize talent there hung in the air the possibility of some young player being drafted into a better league. This was a shared fantasy (with little or no factual basis) that was however shattered when tossing a ball back to a kid practicing off in the grass, my arm, surely constricted by the wide padded straps of the small backpack I wore, conspired against all fantasy and the ball went several feet short and to the left of its target. Perhaps the worst throw of my life and one that brought back memories of my own little league career, a mediocre one at best. I wandered off shortly after that, all dreams on hold for the time being, and walking back up Houston instead of Delancey I was again dismayed by the prevalent lack of architectural integrity.
The Virginia cat Virginia missed me enough to draw blood on first greeting and the little beads of blood on my hand are testament to her devotion to me. I spank her lightly on her right haunch which is something she actually likes so it's not really punishment. She listens attentively and without blinking to my brief recitation of Roman adventures and then retires to her cardboard box. I don't tell her about the cats of Palermo. She crowds me on the bed now and I pet her when I tire of the keyboard.
Three days in New York after finishing the Italy trip with three days in Rome and I am a little disoriented by being able to understand what people are saying and wishing to some degree that I could not. Also I find it harder to understand the architecture in New York so I wander off on Saturday in search of something to relate to and instead of crossing the Williamsburg Bridge stop at the East River. Walking back and forth looking for a spot to own I pause at a little league baseball game and end up staying for the double header. The boys are twelve or thirteen I think or maybe a little older. There is a little league football being played on a field that takes up part of the baseball outfield and periodically the game is stopped while eight and nine year olds line up for third and long. I stand mostly, to the right of home plate and watch a Chinese kid for the Yonkers team throw slow looping curve balls with fairly decent accuracy. I was rooting against him though as the prevailing sun and dust storms caused me to move over and by default root for the Crossover Phenoms.
I was like a scout as far as anyone was concerned and with my uncanny understanding of the game and ability to recognize talent there hung in the air the possibility of some young player being drafted into a better league. This was a shared fantasy (with little or no factual basis) that was however shattered when tossing a ball back to a kid practicing off in the grass, my arm, surely constricted by the wide padded straps of the small backpack I wore, conspired against all fantasy and the ball went several feet short and to the left of its target. Perhaps the worst throw of my life and one that brought back memories of my own little league career, a mediocre one at best. I wandered off shortly after that, all dreams on hold for the time being, and walking back up Houston instead of Delancey I was again dismayed by the prevalent lack of architectural integrity.
Pesaro Archipelago
It was not altogether unlike an I Love Lucy episode in that the way things turned out was a bit more frenetic than what we initially anticipated. They did have a conveyer belt you bent over but instead of wrapping chocolates you picked through the passing grapes for any remaining stems the de-stemming apparatus had missed. And it did go faster than you could handle but you were never tempted to shove the passing stems into your mouth. For every small piece of stem you grabbed, and tossed behind you onto the floor, the more refined this 2009 batch of Cabernet Francs would be, despite all the literal blood, sweat and tears that would eventually over a very long process also end up with the grapes. There was not however a large wooden barrel of grapes we all climbed into, smashing them with our bare feet, nor did tempers flare and lead to a grape throwing fight with the locals. No, these grapes went from red plastic totes into the de-stemmer and up the conveyer into flexible suction tubing that led up to twenty foot tall 7 foot wide stainless steel containers, where mixed with a little yeast or other secret ingredients they would sit for a week or so and then be hand raked from a small door at the bottom into another suction device that leads them to the ATI Softpress 12, which very effectively removes every bit of juice and sends it I'm not actually sure where (but eventually into wooden barrels) after which the nearly dry clumps of grape husk are fed down that earlier (now repurposed) conveyer, into blue 50 gallon plastic barrels, which along with all those stems, will be used at some point to make grappa.
The night before, at dusk, after a day of sightseeing in and around Pesaro and a swim in the Adriatic, the four of us--our host, Antonio Ramone, Bernadette, and I--followed behind a specifically sized John Deere tractor driven by the brother of our host, that fit without room to spare between the rows of grape vine, and from the tractor our host off loaded to us an impressive quantity of red plastic totes that we then space out every third vine or so down each row. It took no time at all to do this and when we were finished we had the totes spread out down about 5 or 6 long rows and I went to bed that night thinking this would be no big deal and how it was sort of quaint that we were helping out with the 2009 harvest. In fact that is how I had been thinking of it since first learning we were going to Italy and that we would be for a brief period of our trip "helping" with this year's harvest. Quaint it was not.
What I did not understand, until it became painfully obvious, was that after the totes were filled with the clipped clumps of purple blue grapes and then picked up and stacked ( don't fill the totes so full we were admonished early on, they have to be stacked) on that same tractor and off loaded near the de-stemming apparatus, they were then brought back to the field empty and it was after nearly ten hours of this, with a short break now and then (one break was in the de-stemming line where eyeing carefully the passing conveyer of loose grapes for minute bits of stem I did have brief but unremarkable hallucinations), that I could feel it coming on, although in the end I did fight it off, a fit of uncontrollable full out weeping. I was determined though not to let the young Moldavian pickers see me cry nor any of the 65 year old men, especially that one with the bad leg, nor any of the Italian women, least of all that bossy one, good God would she ever shut up. Bernadette and I picked together, facing each other and attacking a vine from adjacent rows, and we were not the only pickers who purposefully searched for places to pick grapes out of earshot from that bossy, relentlessly chatty woman. Our friend Antonio Ramone, who is one of the original partners, along with Bernadette and a few others, of this NYC five floor walk up, and who lives just across the hall up here on five, has been traveling to Pesaro for the last three or four years and was no stranger to any of this process spent almost all of his day in the extremely arduous stem removal line. Antonio, who at times is a most expressive and gregarious fellow, was however from first mention that we would join him on this trip, mute to us about the rigors of what we were getting ourselves into. Which on his part I thinks shows a good judgment.
Early in the day, after we had picked barely a crate or two, the first line of women showed up with fresh cold mineral water and fresh breads, some of which, while without cheese or any other ingredient beyond a smear of marinara could almost be little pizzas. And they did this throughout the day but whereas early on it seemed like a wonderful and classy way to run a work project, by the end of the day, with knowledge of a promised grand feast of wine and pork, lasagna, chicken, rabbit and even pigeon, this bread and water break became to seem more like a picture from some slave labor story, or a prison road gang movie, and from one such famous movie the line "what we got here is a failure to communicate" began to ring into my consciousness with a tone so much clearer than ever before.
All of this I say with an attempt at humor because far from slave like treatment our accommodations were splendid and our host was most gracious and heaped onto us so much exquisite food (much of it prepared by his mother) and wine and tour guiding over three days that I would have to work another three harvests just to make up my share.
Next year we are traveling to a dude ranch in the Gulag Archipelago.
It was not altogether unlike an I Love Lucy episode in that the way things turned out was a bit more frenetic than what we initially anticipated. They did have a conveyer belt you bent over but instead of wrapping chocolates you picked through the passing grapes for any remaining stems the de-stemming apparatus had missed. And it did go faster than you could handle but you were never tempted to shove the passing stems into your mouth. For every small piece of stem you grabbed, and tossed behind you onto the floor, the more refined this 2009 batch of Cabernet Francs would be, despite all the literal blood, sweat and tears that would eventually over a very long process also end up with the grapes. There was not however a large wooden barrel of grapes we all climbed into, smashing them with our bare feet, nor did tempers flare and lead to a grape throwing fight with the locals. No, these grapes went from red plastic totes into the de-stemmer and up the conveyer into flexible suction tubing that led up to twenty foot tall 7 foot wide stainless steel containers, where mixed with a little yeast or other secret ingredients they would sit for a week or so and then be hand raked from a small door at the bottom into another suction device that leads them to the ATI Softpress 12, which very effectively removes every bit of juice and sends it I'm not actually sure where (but eventually into wooden barrels) after which the nearly dry clumps of grape husk are fed down that earlier (now repurposed) conveyer, into blue 50 gallon plastic barrels, which along with all those stems, will be used at some point to make grappa.
The night before, at dusk, after a day of sightseeing in and around Pesaro and a swim in the Adriatic, the four of us--our host, Antonio Ramone, Bernadette, and I--followed behind a specifically sized John Deere tractor driven by the brother of our host, that fit without room to spare between the rows of grape vine, and from the tractor our host off loaded to us an impressive quantity of red plastic totes that we then space out every third vine or so down each row. It took no time at all to do this and when we were finished we had the totes spread out down about 5 or 6 long rows and I went to bed that night thinking this would be no big deal and how it was sort of quaint that we were helping out with the 2009 harvest. In fact that is how I had been thinking of it since first learning we were going to Italy and that we would be for a brief period of our trip "helping" with this year's harvest. Quaint it was not.
What I did not understand, until it became painfully obvious, was that after the totes were filled with the clipped clumps of purple blue grapes and then picked up and stacked ( don't fill the totes so full we were admonished early on, they have to be stacked) on that same tractor and off loaded near the de-stemming apparatus, they were then brought back to the field empty and it was after nearly ten hours of this, with a short break now and then (one break was in the de-stemming line where eyeing carefully the passing conveyer of loose grapes for minute bits of stem I did have brief but unremarkable hallucinations), that I could feel it coming on, although in the end I did fight it off, a fit of uncontrollable full out weeping. I was determined though not to let the young Moldavian pickers see me cry nor any of the 65 year old men, especially that one with the bad leg, nor any of the Italian women, least of all that bossy one, good God would she ever shut up. Bernadette and I picked together, facing each other and attacking a vine from adjacent rows, and we were not the only pickers who purposefully searched for places to pick grapes out of earshot from that bossy, relentlessly chatty woman. Our friend Antonio Ramone, who is one of the original partners, along with Bernadette and a few others, of this NYC five floor walk up, and who lives just across the hall up here on five, has been traveling to Pesaro for the last three or four years and was no stranger to any of this process spent almost all of his day in the extremely arduous stem removal line. Antonio, who at times is a most expressive and gregarious fellow, was however from first mention that we would join him on this trip, mute to us about the rigors of what we were getting ourselves into. Which on his part I thinks shows a good judgment.
Early in the day, after we had picked barely a crate or two, the first line of women showed up with fresh cold mineral water and fresh breads, some of which, while without cheese or any other ingredient beyond a smear of marinara could almost be little pizzas. And they did this throughout the day but whereas early on it seemed like a wonderful and classy way to run a work project, by the end of the day, with knowledge of a promised grand feast of wine and pork, lasagna, chicken, rabbit and even pigeon, this bread and water break became to seem more like a picture from some slave labor story, or a prison road gang movie, and from one such famous movie the line "what we got here is a failure to communicate" began to ring into my consciousness with a tone so much clearer than ever before.
All of this I say with an attempt at humor because far from slave like treatment our accommodations were splendid and our host was most gracious and heaped onto us so much exquisite food (much of it prepared by his mother) and wine and tour guiding over three days that I would have to work another three harvests just to make up my share.
Next year we are traveling to a dude ranch in the Gulag Archipelago.